I just deleted all the previous posts on here... there were only five, and it feels like I need a fresh start. I used to journal all the time... I used to even blog all the time. I think you get in a habit and it just keeps going - the push to write every day. Sometimes I feel like I need that again. So maybe I'll begin again.

My life for the past two years has been a whirlwind. I've moved a zillion times - pretty much every four months, and began and ended many major things in my life. Since I graduated from college last December, I've had this feeling of... stagnancy. Is that even a word? I don't know. But I do know that it frustrates me. I want to be one of those people who just gets out there and DOES what the need to DO. Why do I have such a hard time doing what I need to do?

Right now I need to focus on getting a teaching job. I really need that. Why? Because that's what I truly want. That's what I want to do with my life. Yet nearly every single day, I wake up in the morning, and I don't want to do the research for it. I don't want to write cover letters and take action... WHY don't I want to do those things? I don't know. WHAT do I want to do instead? I'll tell you what: absolutely nothing. I want to lay on the couch all day and watch movies and crap tv. I want to surf the internet incessantly, playing stupid facebook games and checking my newsfeed every five minutes. I want to read Harry Potter and stay in bed until 10:30.

Even writing what I actually WANT to do makes me sick. Why the fuck do I want to do all of that? Come on, Annie! I get so mad at myself for the simple fact that I want that. I get mad at myself because this is exactly what happened last January when I moved to Cambridge. I didn't want to do anything. Does it just take time for me to adjust? Do I just really need to do nothing until I feel like doing something? Well, even if that was the case, there's a small problem. If I don't get all this teaching job search stuff done, then I won't be a teacher this year.

Am I just scared of actually doing it? Actually being a teacher? Maybe... that does scare me a little bit... but I've practically BEEN a teacher and I want to do it again. I've wanted it my entire life. My entire college career was working towards this. So why isn't it more important to me to get it done?! I'm so frustrated with myself. I have to give myself a little time schedule in order to get myself to work. Work 20 minutes, break for 5, etc. But that's not even enough. Sometimes I am in the middle of a stupid-ass game and don't break at the end of the break I made for myself. Argh.

Audrey's coming to visit me next Wednesday, and I'm so excited for that. The problem is, that basically means I really need to get all of this stuff done before she arrives. After she leaves, there really won't be much time because the school year will start soon. I need to get my ass to work. Yet something inside me is just saying no... is resisting resisting resisting. And I'm SO TIRED of it! Why can't I focus?! Why can't I just DO this?

I remember when Kevin was job searching - it was like his life. It was so important to him. Why can't I make this a priority like that? Isn't it important enough to me? I even have a fucking deadline - next WEDNESDAY! That means I have less than a week to do all I need to do.

There's some kind of deep issue going on here... and I have yet to really figure it out. My self esteem gets all out of whack, because I keep comparing myself to Kevin, who is so determined and fixated on whatever he needs to be fixated on. >:-( He's so lucky... how does he do it? He would probably say that he just DOES it.

Maybe I need to just focus on being at peace with myself. I'm ok. I am, in fact, getting some stuff done. Maybe not as much as I should be getting done, but I'm getting stuff done. And tonight Kevin's coming home really late, so I can still work into the night. Sometimes I think I'm just a night-person. I work so much better at night. It would also work better if he was by my side all day long... I work so much better when he's with me.

I just have to find the urge within myself to keep pressing through. If I get everything done, then all I have to do is wait for responses. That will be nice. And I have to get it done before Audrey gets here. So it's time to focus... majorly. HERE WE GO.